How to communicate before you rage. Especially as a parent that has to keep it together, so we don’t lose it on the people we love the most.
To communicate before you rage means more harmony at home and with every relationship that you have.
Everyone feels angry sometimes.
It is part of being a human being. We’ve been taught that it is “naughty” to get angry.
We’ve been taught to suppress our anger.
Think about the messages that we have been given especially according to our gender.
Do the phrases “boy’s don’t cry” and “be a good girl” sound familiar?
No wonder so many of us are suffering.
We haven’t been taught a proper way to manage our anger that is a natural born emotion that will forever be with us.
One of the things I have been working on myself, that is a work in progress, is how to communicate before my anger becomes rage.
I am person that always sees the best in someone until proven otherwise.
I try to not jump to conclusions very quickly and try to give the benefit of the doubt.
After all, we are all human and we all make mistakes.
A pattern I am seeing though is that I let things go for too long. Then I get really angry about it.
Which is a fine line between giving people the benefit of the doubt and avoiding difficult conversations.
Having a difficult conversation can be really challenging. Especially if you grew up in a home where you didn’t have the space to communicate how you felt, at all.
You don’t want to disappoint others or you are scared of what might happen.
Yet those conversations is where you will find so much freedom. If done respectfully, calmly and objectively.
It is airing things out and making sure everyone is on the right page.
I know this is hard to hear, but It’s okay to disappoint people. If it is coming from a place of love. Read that again.
If someone makes a mistake once, okay great we move on.
If it is happening over and over and over again, then it is a pattern that needs to be addressed.
Remember, if you feel like a behavior is bothering you in your body, that is your intuition guiding you.
How to communicate before you rage
So how do you communicate before you rage and grow resentment towards the other person?
Here are a couple of steps you can take so that you feel more confident to have a difficult conversation. There is nothing to fear. You just have to keep it about the behavior not about who the person is.
The best way to have a conversation is when you are not emotionally charged. That way it can stay about the issue at hand.
- What is the behavior that is bothering you?
- Is the behavior that is bothering you, happening more than once? If yes, then it is time to prepare to communicate.
- Where are you feeling it in your body?
- Why is it bothering you? Dig deep on how you feel versus making it about the other person.
- Ask yourself, what do you think is the positive intent behind this behavior?
- Now, get really clear on how you respectfully and objectively want to communicate about the behavior. Not about the person. Avoid “don’t do x again” or “why would you do x” “I can’t believe you did x.”
- How can I connect with this person before I correct? What am I grateful for?
- After I connect, what question can I ask before I correct to give them a chance to explain their side?
- How can I set expectations respectfully and end the conversation on a positive note?
Here is an example:
My husband tends to run late. I am a person that likes to be on time or even a little bit early.
Why? Because I want to get the most out of the experience and not waste my time or anyone else’s time. To me, time is money.
We are all different of course and that is perfectly okay.
I was avoiding saying anything to him about it because I didn’t want to cause a fight.
Yet, every time I was just waiting around for him with the kids, ready to go, my resentment grew deeper and deeper.
Still, I would shove the feeling of being very annoyed down and my excuse was that I didn’t want to cause a fight.
Then it was festering so much, I would start to make passive aggressive comments.
Which would THEN create fights.
I should’ve just nipped it in the bud after the second time he made us all late. It would’ve been a rational conversation vs a very emotional one because I then started to take it personal.
Looking back, here is what I should’ve done:
- What is the behavior that is bothering you? My husband’s perpetual unpunctuality. Especially when it makes the whole family late.
- Is the behavior that is bothering you, happening more than once? If yes, then it is time to prepare to communicate. Yes, multiple times.
- Where are you feeling it in your body? I feel tightness in my chest. Meaning, this is my intuition telling me I need to address it.
- Why is it bothering you? Dig deep on how you feel versus making it about the other person. It is bothering me because I do not like to be late. It doesn’t feel respectful for anyone. I did a lot of work to get us all to be ready on time. I don’t like to feel rushed because it creates stress. My children do not like to be rushed either because it causes them stress. Then it leads to us not having a good time.
- Ask yourself, what do you think is the positive intent behind this behavior? This is hard because in my head there is no positive intent behind chronically being late! LOL. So I have to dig deeper and get uncomfortable. Positive intent is that he is very optimistic which is one of the reasons I love him. His spontaneity is probably another reason why he is unpunctual. His spontaneity is another reason why I love him and our marriage so much.
- Now, get really clear on how you objectively want to communicate about the behavior. Not about who the person is. Avoid “don’t do x again” or “why would you do x” “I can’t believe you did x.” I am going to communicate about what I have noticed about punctuality and why being late disturbs my inner peace. It is very important to me.
- How can I connect with this person before I correct? What am I grateful for? I can say “babe I love how much we do family events together especially on the weekends. It makes me feel so connected to you and the kids.”
- After I connect, what question can I ask before I correct to give them a chance to explain their side? “Is there a reason, why when it comes to us leaving on time as a family, you are always doing things the minute before we leave and we have to wait on you?”
- How can I set expectations respectfully and end the conversation on a positive note? “Do you think from now on you can start practicing more mindfulness around punctuality (notice I am making it about the behavior not who he is as a person)? I really appreciate being on time. Being rushed and late creates stress for everyone and I really would like to set us up for success.”
Listen, I know it is easier said then done.
Even though I know better, I still avoid to communicate before I rage because I think it is going to lead to a fight. I don’t want to disappoint. I am afraid.
When you do end up having a calm conversation like this one though, notice how much better you feel afterwards. It will bring you such a huge sense of relief. The tension will dissipate.
Again, your intuition will never steer you wrong. If a behavior disturbs you, pay attention. Do not dismiss it and think it will magically go away.
You will have more inner peace when you communicate before you rage.
Are you ready to start living your life differently?
Tired of paying the price of all the stress and putting yourself and your health last?
There is a way out.
That other way out is through a health coach. Your own personal coach that will look at all areas of your life, to see how you can make changes.
Changes that will create long-lasting results.
These changes come from looking at nutrition, self-care, movement, and daily habits.
As your coach we will work on a step-by-step plan together on reaching all of your health goals and then leaving you empowered to continue making changes on your own.
If you are ready to start living well and say goodbye to the stress and burnout that has you surviving instead of thriving – contact me now.
I have noticed that collectively, a lot of us, are having neck and back pain. Myself included. I don’t have an answer but it could be due to constantly being on our phones, computers and having the incorrect posture. Stress. Lifestyle choices.
This is what I am currently doing holistically to ease the pain. I refuse to do anything that is not holistic for pain:
Disclaimer: this is for educational and informational purposes only. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you read in this blog.
- Lots of stretching. I try not to hold a downward position with my neck for too long. Every 10 minutes I will roll my neck and shoulders around, up and down too.
- I have a posture corrector when I am sitting down for too long so I do not slouch for long periods of time.
- When I work in my office, I have a standing desk to be able to switch up my position.
- Yoga and Pilates to strengthen and stretch my muscles.
- Cryotherapy. If you live in Jacksonville, FL you should check out Degree Wellness. Mention that Alejandra at Living Well Co. sent you.
- Acupuncture if I have time
- I stopped going to the chiropractor because I felt dependent on it it versus getting to the root of the issue. It does quickly alleviate pain though if you need it.
- Continue to have a healthy lifestyle.
- I do believe that my breast implants have something to do with it. I know they are causing inflammation and weight. I cannot wait to get them removed and see if it does alleviate the pain.
Are you having neck and back pain? What do you think the root of the problem is?
Nothing new to report. We are just soaking up our kids everyday. Enjoying summer. Balancing being social with having quiet time at home doing house projects, puzzles and cooking.
Lately, I just have so much appreciation for my children. I really want to be as present as possible with them. They really do grow up so quick. They are just so pure, lovable and fun.
Whenever I am overwhelmed by the fact that everyone needs me at all times, at the same time, I say to myself “I am so grateful that they want to be with me imagine if it was the opposite.” Then all is well again 🙂
I hope you enjoyed the topic on communicate before you rage! Don’t forget to come back every Friday for more.
Have a beautiful weekend,
Alejandra at Living Well Co.